When “Helping” Gets in the Way: A Courageous Look at Control in Coaching

“Help is the sunny side of control.” – Anne Lamott

I heard this quote on a recent Dare to Lead podcast with Brené Brown and Adam Grant, and it stopped me in my tracks. It’s one of those phrases that lodges itself in your mind and refuses to leave.

Like so many coaches, I came to this work because I wanted to help people. I wanted to make a difference, to support others to grow, thrive, and find their own courage. But hearing Anne Lamott’s words made me pause and ask: When does helping actually get in the way?

The good intentions of helping

The desire to help is often rooted in empathy and care. It’s what draws many of us into coaching in the first place. But if we’re honest, helping can sometimes have a shadow side.

When we need to help, fix, or add value, it can quietly become about us. About our need to feel competent, useful, or good enough. About our discomfort with not knowing, not solving, not steering.

That’s the “sunny side of control” Anne Lamott is pointing to. Helping feels good, or us and often for our clients too, but sometimes it’s a subtle way of managing our own anxiety or asserting influence over a process that isn’t ours to control.

Examining our coaching agenda

In her new book Breaking the Coaching Code: How Great Coaches Transcend the Rules, Karen Foy, MCC invites us to explore our personal agenda for coaching, the deeper “why” behind why we do what we do.

(Side note: Have you got Karen's book yet? If you haven't, get it right now! It is brilliant, and so aligned with the work of the courageous coach.)

She suggests that without awareness, our agendas can quietly drive our behaviour. We may believe we’re serving our clients, but we might also be serving our own need to be helpful, successful, or liked.

This really resonated with me. I can think of moments where I’ve felt the pull to help, to make a suggestion, offer insight, or smooth something over, not because it was in service of my client, but because sitting in the silence felt uncomfortable. Or because I wanted to feel like I’d added value.

Karen’s reminder is that great coaching isn’t about helping or performing, it’s about partnering. It asks us to bring courage and humility, to examine our own motivations, and to trust that our clients are already whole and capable.

The courage to let go of control

Letting go of the need to help can be incredibly vulnerable. It means surrendering control, releasing our attachment to outcomes, and sitting in uncertainty.

It asks us to trust the coaching process, and our clients, even when it feels messy or unclear. It asks us to believe that our presence, not our performance, is what matters most.

This is where courage and self-compassion come in. When we notice that familiar tug to help or fix, self-compassion allows us to pause rather than judge ourselves. It lets us acknowledge: “Ah, there’s that part of me that wants to feel helpful.” And from that grounded place, we can choose to stay curious instead of taking control.

From helping to holding

Maybe coaching isn’t really about helping at all. Maybe it’s about holding - space, belief, possibility, humanity.

Holding space for our clients’ wisdom to emerge. Holding belief when they doubt themselves. Holding the courage to stay with what’s uncomfortable rather than rushing to relieve it.

When we stop trying to help in the controlling sense, we make room for something deeper — genuine partnership. And that, I think, is where the real difference happens.

Reflection for coaches

So here’s a reflection for you to sit with:

What part of your desire to help might be asking to feel safe, seen, or valued? And what might shift if you trusted that your grounded presence — not your helping — is enough?

About me

I’m Melissa Hague, a coach, courage-builder, and Certified Dare to Lead™ Practitioner. I support coaches to build the courage, compassion, and grounded confidence they need to show up more fully in their work and their lives.

In The Courageous Coach Programme, we explore how courage spreads, from coach to client, and out into the world.

Let’s connect here on LinkedIn — or you can find out more at https://www.melissahague.com/courageous-coaches