Feeling is not the same as expressing
- Melissa
- Apr 15
- 4 min read
There is a moment that often gets missed in conversations about emotions.
We talk about the importance of feeling our feelings. We talk about the importance of expressing them.
But rarely do we talk about what sits in between.
Because there is a lot that happens between feeling something and expressing it.
And that space matters.
I have been noticing this more in my own work and in the work I do with coaches.
A feeling arises. It might be frustration, disappointment, envy, anxiety. It shows up quickly, often before we have words for it.
And then, almost just as quickly, we move to expression.
We say something. We withdraw. We react. We make meaning. We tell ourselves a story.
Sometimes that expression is helpful. Sometimes it creates connection. And sometimes it does not.
Not because the feeling is wrong, but because we have not taken the time to process what is happening within us before we act.
This is where the work of Emotional Agility, as developed by Susan David, becomes so important.
Emotional Agility invites us to notice our emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. To create space between stimulus and response. To recognise that emotions are data, not directives.
In other words, just because we feel something does not mean we need to act on it immediately.
And it does not mean that our first interpretation of that feeling is the most helpful one.
The space between feeling and expressing is where our awareness lives.
It is where we begin to ask:
What am I actually feeling here? What might this be about? What matters to me in this moment?
Without that space, we tend to move into one of two patterns.
We either suppress the feeling, pushing it down or dismissing it.
Or we express it without reflection, allowing it to drive our behaviour.
Neither of these creates grounded, intentional action.
For coaches, this matters deeply.
Our work is relational.
How we are with our own emotions shapes how we are with our clients.
If we move too quickly from feeling to expressing, we risk bringing unprocessed reactions into the space. It might show up as over-talking, rescuing, shutting down, or subtly steering the conversation away from something uncomfortable.
Equally, if we suppress what we are feeling, we lose access to valuable data. Emotions can be signals. They can tell us something about what is happening in the room, in the relationship, or within ourselves.
The practice is not to remove emotion.
The practice is to build our capacity to be with it.
And that capacity is not built only in the coaching room.
It is built in the small, everyday moments of our lives. In conversations with partners, colleagues and friends. In the moments that frustrate us, stretch us, or catch us off guard.
This is not something we switch on when we start a coaching session.
It is a habit we practise in how we live.
So what does processing actually look like?
From an Emotional Agility perspective, it is less about fixing the feeling and more about creating a different relationship with it.
A few simple practices can help.
1. Name what you are feeling
This sounds simple, but it is often the step we skip.
Instead of saying “I feel off” or “I feel overwhelmed,” see if you can get more specific.
Is it frustration? Is it disappointment? Is it fear?
And notice the language you use.
There is a difference between saying “I am sad” and “I am feeling sad.”
One fuses the emotion with your identity. The other recognises it as something you are experiencing.
The emotion is part of you, but it is not all of you.
Language helps create that separation, and that separation creates space.
2. Notice the story you are telling
Our minds are quick to make meaning.
“I am not good enough.” “They should not have said that.” “This always happens to me.”
Pause and notice the story without immediately believing it.
You might say to yourself, “I am noticing the thought that…”
This small shift can help create distance.
3. Turn towards the feeling with curiosity
Instead of pushing it away or acting on it, get curious.
Where do I feel this in my body? What might this be trying to tell me? What does this say about what I care about?
Curiosity softens reactivity.
4. Connect back to your values
Emotional Agility is not just about awareness. It is about intentional action.
Ask yourself:
Who do I want to be in this moment? What would it look like to act in line with what matters to me?
This is where we move from reaction to choice.
None of this means we will always get it right.
There will be times when we react quickly, when we express something we later wish we had processed more fully.
That is part of being human.
But over time, with practice, that space between feeling and expressing can widen.
And in that space, something important becomes possible.
Choice.
If you are a coach, this is part of your craft.
Not just what you do with your clients, but how you are with yourself.
You might want to reflect on:
What emotions do I tend to move quickly to express, without much processing?
What emotions do I tend to suppress or avoid?
Where in my everyday life could I practise creating more space?
What happens when I create even a small pause between feeling and expressing?
How might my coaching change if I trusted myself to stay with my emotions for a little longer?
Feeling is human.
Expression is important.
But it is the space in between that shapes how we show up.
And that space is something we can learn to practise.
About me
I’m Melissa Hague, coach, courage-builder and Certified Dare to Lead™ Practitioner. I support coaches and leaders to strengthen the coach behind the tools and techniques, building the courage, compassion and grounded confidence that allow them to stay present when it matters most.
This is the deeper work we explore in The Courageous Coach® Programme. Not adding more strategies, but expanding the space between stimulus and response so you can lead and coach from clarity rather than armour.
The next cohort starts in September 2026.
If this resonates, let’s connect here on LinkedIn, or you can find out more at www.melissahague.com
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