Living into your Values as a coach

Practising them not just professing them

Let's talk about values.

You may do values work with your clients, maybe you work with organisations to help them be more values-led and you may have done some values work yourself. Perhaps you use a deck of values cards, or ask clients to select some words from a list. You probably have some really great conversations based on the words they choose and how those values show up in their work and lives. You may have used a similar approach for uncovering and exploring your own values, maybe you've even worked with a coach yourself.

You also probably know that for values to be meaningful and useful to us we have to do way more than just choose the words, we also have to define what they look like behaviourally. If I had never met you and got to spend some quality time with you, what would I see in your behaviours that would tell me what your values are, without you having to share them with me.

"A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important. Living into our values means that we do more than profess our values, we practice them. We walk our talk-we are clear about what we believe and hold important, and we take care that our intentions, words, thoughts, and behaviours align with those beliefs." Brené Brown

I think values work is really important for many reasons, but mainly because it's critical if we want to be more courageous with our lives.

I've written before about armour, all the ways that we self-protect when we are afraid. Brené Brown uses the metaphor of the arena to describe those moments or experiences where we choose to share something of ourselves without any control over the outcome or what people will think - these are the courageous moments in our lives. In these moments we feel vulnerable and afraid, and our first reaction is to armour up, to self-protect. 

However, in these courageous arena moments we want to keep our armour off so that we can show up, be seen and create connection (all critical for great coaching!). So when we walk into that arena what are we going in with instead? Our grounded confidence and............

Yes you guessed it - our values.

So, when you experience an arena moment and you choose to step into your courage and keep your armour off, you might like to think about these questions -

• What will it look like to live into your values in this moment?

• How do you want to show up?

• What might some of the early-warning indicators be that you are living outside your values in this moment?

• What can you do as an act of self-compassion to support yourself in the hard work of living into your values in this moment?

Here's an example from my own practice.

One of my core values is curiosity and it's a value that I work hard to lean into in my coaching sessions with clients. So here are some of the things I remind myself off when I am preparing for a session.

To be curious I must also be open to being vulnerable and not knowing. That means I will notice when my questions or offerings are coming from a place of knowing. This is one I am fine tuning, sometimes I am able to notice in the moment and make adjustments, sometimes the noticing comes in my reflective practice afterwards.

In my preparation before the session I focus on my genuine curiosity about where this session might go, what my client might say and what we might discover together. I breathe through the discomfort that also makes me feel, reminding myself that I am able to sit with and hold discomfort and still do good work.

Over time I have tuned in to the type of questions I ask when I am leaning away from my curiosity and moving into a space of knowing or leading. For me these are often content questions, where I am mining for more information, usually so that I can 'fix' or find the solution. That's also a red warning light for me to take a breath, centre and lean into my curiosity again.

I also remind myself that I am human and imperfect, so sometimes my curiosity muscle may not be working as hard as I would like. That's ok, it's rich data for my reflective practice on my journey to being the best coach I can be.

Another core value for me is expertise....but that's a whole other story!

So maybe it's time to revisit your values - do they define you? are they who you are at your best? and are they the filter you use to make hard decisions? Then take some time to reflect on what they actually look like, behaviourally.

And if you need some support to move from professing to practising your values, you know where I am.

About the Author

Melissa is a Leadership Coach and Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator based in Dorset, with a particular interest in supporting leaders and coaches to be more courageous in their work and lives.

Find out more about The Courageous Coach, Dare to Lead for Leaders or One to One and team coaching.