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How much vulnerability is too much?

Writer's picture: MelissaMelissa

Picture of wooden blocks spelling out the MYTH

There are a number of myths that surround the emotion of vulnerability. 

One of those myths is that vulnerability is synonymous with disclosure. That vulnerability is me telling you my deepest darkest secrets, or talking about my unresolved issues with my parents, or crying in front of you. People often believe that vulnerability means they have to let it all hang out, share all their deepest, hardest things in order to create connection.


So what does this mean for us as coaches?

One thing I get asked a lot by coaches is – Is showing vulnerability with clients appropriate? After all it’s not about us is it, it’s about our clients, so showing our vulnerability doesn’t feel quite right. What if I share something with a client that feels vulnerable and it unexpectedly triggers me emotionally, I mean, goodness, what if I cry?

I really recognise this fear myself; I’m mean I’m a crier! Sometimes I know I’m going to cry and sometimes it catches me completely unawares. I mean I think it’s completely normal and expected to still cry at the ending of Charlotte’s Web at 48 years old, but I really didn’t expect to find myself sobbing when H from Steps exited Celebrity Masterchef this year!


So how can we know what is the right amount of vulnerability in our work, and what is too much?

Whenever I’m asked questions like this, I get really curious and I usually dig back into Brene Brown’s work to see if I can find any words of wisdom. Here’s what she says:

“What you have to ask yourself is why you're sharing what you're sharing. Is it to work your shit out on your audience, or is it to serve the work? Because if you're sharing something to work your shit out on your audience, go get a therapist. But if you're sharing it to serve the work, then... what happens happens.”

I think that advice is profound and really gets me thinking about the work we do as coaches with clients and how critical it is to do our own work too.


As a coach, what we're after is APPROPRIATE vulnerability. 


It’s important for us to show compassion and empathy for our clients and let them know we understand how they feel, in fact this is one of the ways we create connection. 

But imagine responding to your client’s fear (for example), by saying something like "I understand your fear, I'm often terrified and have no idea what I'm doing some of the time. Sometimes I even wonder if I’m cut out to be a coach." 


Vulnerable? Maybe. Appropriate? Maybe not. 


We don't want vulnerability for the sake of it; we want vulnerability to serve the work and to support our client’s thinking. What might be a more helpful version of the above? 

"I understand your fear. I don't have the answers and I can't guarantee outcomes. But I can guarantee I will be here with you, working through these issues until you are able to move forward." 


See the difference? One is looking for comfort and validation from your client for yourself; the other is leaning into uncertainty and being accountable for what is under your control: your own behaviour. 


And in that context, if you cry, you cry.



Melissa Hague | Leadership Coach & Certifed Dare to Lead Facilitator

About the Author


Melissa is a Leadership Coach and Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator based in Dorset, with a particular interest in supporting leaders and coaches to be more courageous in their work and lives.


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