Coaches - Which hat are you wearing ?

Have you ever found yourself saying to a client "I'm going to take off my coaching hat now and put on my mentoring/day job/<insert other> hat now"

I started my coaching journey as an internal coach, working full-time in a Learning and Development role, with the addition of coaching leaders within the organisation. Sometimes as part of a development programme, sometimes not. It wasn't a huge business, so I interacted with nearly all my clients in my day-job role as well as supporting them as a coach.

I contracted really carefully around boundaries and the separation of my day job role from my coaching role. I also made clear the difference between coaching and mentoring, saying things like "I don't have all the answers, I'm not here to give you advice or tell you what to do". 

Despite this, there were plenty of times where my clients tested that boundary. If they pushed hard enough, I'd say something like "Ok, if I put my day-job hat on for a moment, I'll share that.........." There were also plenty of times where I held firm with my boundary, re-contracted as necessary, reminding my client of the nature of a coaching relationship.

Here's the thing I realised through my reflective practice though, sometimes my clients didn't have to push that hard on the boundary, sometimes I stepped in quickly with my different hat. So, I got curious - what was different about those clients? What was being triggered in me? I began to recognise the moments when the changing of hats was driven by me, by my need to help or fix or add value by sharing my own thoughts - basically by my ego, and the times when my offer was in service of the work we were doing together.

Since setting up my own coaching practice, I have the great privilege of developing and supporting new coaches through ILM qualifications. Many of my students are internal coaches, with some externals too. I notice that many of them also talk about taking off their coaching hat and putting on their mentoring hat. That made me curious because it was clearly not just me that uses that language or whose early coaching practice was shaped by this idea of changing hats.

I want to share with you where my reflection and learning has got me too in over 10 years of coaching.

There is only ONE hat!

You are a whole human and to pretend otherwise to yourself or your clients is unhelpful and ultimately creates disconnection. To be a great coach you need to bring your wholehearted self to your work, which means you have to know yourself really, really well.

So, what does that mean in my practice today.

I hold this quote from Peter Hawkins close to my heart.

Never know first, never know best but, never withhold information that might be useful

If I feel the impulse to change some imaginary hat, I check in on two things.

First, I know from experience that sometimes putting on my 'mentoring hat' was really just an excuse for me to give advice or lead the client to what I believed was the 'right' answer. It was my ego getting in the way of the work, and more importantly I'd made up a story that if I told my client that I was switching hats then that somehow made it ok. Let me clear, if you're sharing from a place of ego it's not ok.

There is of course a watch-out here

We all have egos, we are all messy, imperfect humans. This is not about beating yourself up or allowing your inner critic to tell you, you are terrible coach because you let your ego have a dance around during a session. It's about noticing, acknowledging and then doing the work on yourself - in supervision or therapy as appropriate.

Second, if I have something that I believe may help my client, that will be in service of the work we are doing together - a resource, an experience or a noticing - I offer it. I hold that offer lightly, allowing the client to do with it as they will and be sensitive to any power dynamics at play in the relationship. 

I don't see that as changing my hat, for me this is still coaching. In fact it's just me 'being' a coach. Grounded in all the tenets of what good coaching looks like, but fully aware of what turns good coaching into great coaching - the quality of the connection and relationship between me and my client. 

So taking Peter Hawkins' quote one step further.

Never know first - allow the space for your client to think for themselves, and remember if it was that simple they'd probably have already thought of it.

Never know best - Notice when your ego is triggered and what triggers it - it may be adding value, being right, being seen as the expert, needing to be liked. Do your own work to find out what makes your ego get up and have a dance about during a coaching session.

But, never withhold information that might be useful - this isn't about changing hats or being a mentor, this is offering something that is in service of the work you and your client are doing together.

I'd love to know your viewpoint on this, so I can add to my own thinking.

And if you need support on managing your ego, whilst showing up as the wholehearted human you are, you know where I am.

About the Author

Melissa is a Leadership Coach and Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator based in Dorset, with a particular interest in supporting leaders and coaches to be more courageous in their work and lives.

Find out more about The Courageous Coach, Dare to Lead for Leaders or One to One and team coaching.