You Are Not the Feeling

There is a particular kind of moment that I find quietly fascinating.

Something happens. A message arrives with an unexpected tone. A client says something that catches you off guard. A plan falls through at the last minute. A piece of work you cared about is met with silence.

And within seconds, you are somewhere else entirely.

You are not just experiencing a feeling. You have become it. The frustration is not something you are noticing. It is the lens through which everything is suddenly being filtered. The disappointment is not a visitor. It feels like the whole room.

This is what Susan David calls being fused with our emotions. And it is one of the most human things there is.

We do not choose it. It happens quickly, often before we have any awareness that it has happened at all. The emotion moves in and takes the wheel, and somewhere in the background, the part of us that might have noticed is temporarily offline.

Inside the jar

There is a lovely illustration that captures this well.

When you are inside a jar, you cannot read the label. You need to step outside of it to see what it says.

Emotions can be like that. When we are fully inside them, we lose perspective. We cannot read what is happening with any accuracy. We believe the story the emotion is telling us because we are the story. There is no distance from which to question it.

Stepping Out

In Susan David's Emotional Agility framework, this moment of creating perspective is called Stepping Out.

Stepping Out does not mean stepping away from the emotion. It does not mean detaching, suppressing, or deciding not to feel it.

It means creating just enough space to become the observer. To widen the frame. To move from being inside the experience to being someone who is having the experience.

And in that shift, something important becomes possible.

This is part of me. Not all of me.

This phrase, from Susan David's work, is deceptively simple.

When we are fused with an emotion, we tend to treat it as the whole truth. We speak from it rather than about it. We make decisions through it. We interpret everything around us by its light.

Stepping Out asks something different. It asks us to notice the emotion without being consumed by it. To say, internally: I am noticing frustration right now. I am noticing the urge to withdraw. I am noticing that part of me wants to defend.

Not "I am frustrated." But "I am someone who is currently experiencing frustration."

It sounds like a subtle distinction. In practice, it changes everything.

Because the moment we can observe the emotion, we are no longer only inside it. We have stepped outside the jar, at least briefly, at least enough to read a little of what is written there.

The part of you that is always watching

This idea of the observer - the part of us that can witness our own experience - has roots in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, developed by psychologist Steven Hayes. In ACT, it is called self-as-context: the understanding that we are not the content of our thoughts and feelings, but the consciousness that is aware of them. The observing self is not a thinking self. It does not analyse or judge. It simply notices.

I find this a useful companion to Susan David's work, because it names something that can otherwise feel abstract. There is a part of you that has always been present, even as your emotions, thoughts, and circumstances have shifted. That part is the observer. It is not detached or cold. It is steady.

And it is trainable. Not in a mechanical sense, but in the way that any capacity grows with practice and attention.

The more we practise noticing our inner experience with a degree of curiosity, the more familiar the observer position becomes. It becomes somewhere we can return to, even in difficult moments.

Why this matters for coaches

When we are fused with our own emotions in a coaching session, we lose access to our best work.

We might not notice that our discomfort with a client's silence is quietly pushing us to fill it. We might not see that the frustration we are carrying from earlier in the day is colouring how we are interpreting what our client is saying. We might not catch the moment when the urge to help tips over into the urge to steer.

These are not failures. They are what happens when we are inside the jar.

Stepping Out asks us to develop the habit of noticing our own inner landscape as we work. Not as a running commentary that pulls us out of presence, but as a quiet, peripheral awareness.

Something is happening in me right now. I wonder what that is.

That question, asked gently and without judgment, is often enough to create a little separation.

And when we can do this for ourselves, something shifts in how we hold it for our clients too. We become less afraid of the emotions that arise in the room. Less likely to rush in to rescue. More comfortable sitting with someone in the middle of something unresolved.

The observer self is not a coaching technique. It is a way of being with yourself that gradually changes how you are with others.

A few things worth sitting with

If this resonates, here are some places to begin.

When an emotion arises, practise naming it with a little distance. Not "I am overwhelmed" but "I am noticing something that feels like overwhelm." Watch what happens when you do.

Notice which emotions tend to fuse with you quickly. Where do you tend to become the feeling rather than have it? Frustration? Anxiety? Self-doubt? That is often where the most useful practice lives.

In your coaching sessions, try holding a gentle background awareness of your own inner state. Not to manage it, but simply to notice it. You do not need to act on what you find. Just knowing it is there gives you more choice.

And perhaps most simply: remind yourself, when you are in the thick of something, that you are more than this moment. The feeling is real. The feeling is information. But it is not the whole of you.

Reflections to sit with

Which emotions do I tend to fuse with most quickly?

What becomes possible when I can observe a feeling rather than be consumed by it?

Where in my coaching do I notice that I might be inside the jar without realising it?

What would it mean to trust that I can have the feeling and still choose how I respond?

How might the people I work with benefit if I practised this more fully in my own life?

Emotions are not enemies. They are not weaknesses. They are part of what it means to be human, and in coaching, they are often some of our most useful data.

But there is a difference between having an emotion and being had by one.

And in that difference lives a kind of freedom.

About Melissa Hague

I'm Melissa Hague — a coach, courage-builder, and Certified Dare to Lead™ Practitioner. I support coaches to build the courage, compassion, and grounded confidence they need to show up more fully in their work, their lives, and their businesses.

Much of my work centres on the quieter, more human side of coaching — the inner work, the small brave steps, and the spaces where we learn to trust ourselves a little more deeply. I trained with Susan David in 2025 and am close to completing my Emotional Agility Certification. It's at the heart of what we explore inside The Courageous Coach® Programme.

Find out more at melissahague.com/courageous-coaches and let's connect here on LinkedIn.