The Brave Choice to Be With: Empathy in Courageous Coaching

“When we see that someone's hurt or in pain, it's our instinct as human beings to try to make things better. We want to fix, we want to give advice. But empathy isn't about fixing. It's the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness—not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.” — Brené Brown

This quote stops me in my tracks every time.

Because even with the best of intentions—and especially as coaches—it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to make things better for our clients. We want to ease their discomfort, bring clarity to their confusion, offer the perfect question or reflection that illuminates the path forward. But often, the most courageous act we can take as coaches is to pause and choose to stay with.

What Empathy Is (and Isn’t)

Empathy is not about rescuing or soothing or problem-solving. It’s not about finding silver linings or sharing your own similar story to say “me too.” Those responses may come from care, but they often serve to reduce our discomfort more than the other person’s pain.

Empathy is the brave, vulnerable, and profoundly human act of joining someone in their experience—not above it, not around it, not trying to rush them through it.

It sounds simple, but it’s deeply challenging. It requires us to:

• Suspend our urge to fix

• Tolerate discomfort—both ours and theirs

• Listen deeply without the need to respond immediately

• Trust our client’s capacity to be with what is present

Empathy is presence. It’s sitting in the dark with someone and saying, “I’m here. You’re not alone.” That’s it. That’s everything.

Why Empathy Takes Courage

Empathy demands courage because it requires us to be vulnerable, too.

It asks us to put down our armour—the one that says, “I need to be the helpful coach,” “I must offer value,” or “I should be doing something right now.” It invites us to let go of certainty and control, and to trust that being with someone is enough.

That’s not always easy when we’ve been conditioned to equate usefulness with action. But in coaching, our power doesn’t lie in having the answers. It lies in holding space for others to find their own.

To do that, we must be willing to sit with pain, uncertainty, frustration, or fear—without trying to tidy it up.

That’s empathy. That’s courage.

What Empathy Looks Like in Coaching

Empathy might look like:

• Holding silence when your client gets emotional, rather than rushing in with a tissue or a question

• Saying, “That sounds really hard. I’m here with you,” instead of “Have you tried…?”

• Being attuned to your client’s body language and emotional state, and honouring it with gentle curiosity

• Letting go of your agenda and allowing the session to go where it needs to go—not where you planned

Empathy is felt. It creates psychological safety. It deepens trust. It enables clients to show up more fully and honestly—not just because you’ve created a safe space, but because you’ve shown you can stay in it with them.

And in that space, transformation becomes possible.

What Gets in the Way?

So if empathy is so powerful, why is it sometimes so hard?

Because being with pain or discomfort—especially without rushing to soothe it—can feel unbearable. Especially if we haven’t learned how to sit with our own discomfort.

Sometimes, our desire to fix is rooted in a fear of powerlessness. Sometimes, we worry about getting it wrong. Sometimes, we just don’t know what to say.

That’s okay. Empathy doesn’t need the perfect words. It needs presence.

And it starts with doing the inner work ourselves—building our capacity to stay with, rather than rush past.

Reflective Questions

If you’re curious about how empathy is showing up (or not) in your coaching, here are a few questions to sit with:

• When a client is emotional, what is my instinct? To sit with them… or to move the session forward?

• Where might I be offering solutions when what’s really needed is connection?

• How do I feel when a client expresses pain, fear, or confusion? What do I tend to do in response?

• What part of me wants to fix? What is that about?

• What helps me stay present with discomfort—in myself and in others?

You might also consider: What does courageous empathy look like in my practice? What would change if I trusted that presence is enough?

Empathy is not passive. It’s not weak. It’s not soft. It is an active choice—a courageous, intentional commitment to stay with.

As coaches, we often talk about holding space. But empathy asks: Can you hold it when it’s messy? When it’s painful? When you don’t know what to do?

Because that’s where courage lives. And that’s where real coaching begins.

And if you could use some support with empathy, or if you are finding it hard to practice empathy right now, you know where I am.