Why Letting Go of Advice-Giving is One of the Hardest — and Most Courageous — Shifts for Coaches

Melissa
May 27, 2025
4 min read

If you’re a coach, chances are you already know: giving advice is one of the hardest habits to break.

It feels so natural. So helpful. So… useful.

After all, in many of our previous careers, being the one with the answers wasn’t just appreciated — it was rewarded. Promotions, recognition, success — all often came because we were seen as knowledgeable, competent, and decisive. We were trained, explicitly and implicitly, to add value by solving problems.

No wonder then that when we step into coaching — a profession rooted in partnership, not prescription — the pull to offer advice is so strong.

It’s not just a habit. It’s often a part of who we think we need to be to be valuable.

How the Advice Monster Takes Over

📚Michael Bungay Stanier describes this dynamic brilliantly through the idea of the “Advice Monster.”

The Advice Monster shows up whenever we feel the urge to jump in, solve the problem, or offer solutions — even when no one asked for them. It whispers, "You’re helping!" but often, it’s really trying to prove, "You’re smart enough, worthy enough, valuable enough."

Most of the time, this happens below our conscious awareness. We want to be helpful. We want to make a difference. Yet when our Advice Monster takes the lead, we risk robbing our clients of the very thing coaching is meant to offer: their own insight, autonomy, and growth.

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go

There’s real psychology at play here.

The Dunning-Kruger effect reminds us that with some knowledge or experience, we tend to overestimate our expertise. In coaching conversations, this bias can trick us into believing we already know what’s best for the client.

Meanwhile, Self-Determination Theory tells us that humans have three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When we rush to offer advice, even with the best intentions, we can inadvertently undermine a client's autonomy — making them dependent on us instead of trusting their own capability.

And deeper still, advice-giving often touches something personal: our own need to feel competent and worthy. Being the person with the answer feels safer than sitting with uncertainty. It reassures us of our value.

But coaching isn’t about proving ourselves.

It’s about serving the client.

Choosing Curiosity Over Certainty

The real magic of coaching happens when we let go of being the knower and embrace being the learner.

When we trust that the client has the answers — or can discover them — we free ourselves from the exhausting task of always needing to be right. We step into true partnership. We get curious.

And here’s the thing: being curious is a deeply vulnerable choice.

When we choose curiosity, we admit: I don’t know. When we ask questions instead of giving answers, we risk looking less "helpful" or "clever." We sit in the discomfort of not having the solution ready to go.

Curiosity demands humility. It demands courage. It demands a willingness to stay present in the unknown, without rushing to tidy things up with advice.

No wonder it’s uncomfortable. Vulnerability always is.

But vulnerability is also where connection, trust, and transformation live.

Exercising the Curiosity Muscle

If giving advice has been your default mode for years (or decades), building a different habit takes conscious practice. Curiosity is a muscle — and like any muscle, it needs regular exercise to grow stronger.

Here are a few ways to start:

Pause before responding. Ask yourself: Am I about to give advice? Or can I ask one more question instead?
Use Michael Bungay Stanier’s “AWE” question: And what else? It’s simple, but it keeps the conversation client-led.
Get comfortable with silence. Sometimes the best thing we can offer a client is space to think.
Reflect after sessions. Notice when the Advice Monster showed up. Celebrate the moments you chose curiosity instead.

Remember: every time you resist the urge to fix, and instead lean into not-knowing, you’re practicing courageous coaching.

The Courage to Let Go

Letting go of advice-giving isn’t about becoming passive or withholding support. It’s about trusting our clients enough to let them discover their own wisdom.

It’s about trusting ourselves enough to know that our worth isn’t measured by how many answers we have — but by how deeply we are willing to be present, to ask, to listen.

It’s uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable. And it’s some of the most important work we can do as coaches.

The next time you feel your Advice Monster rear its head, pause. Breathe. Choose curiosity.

Your clients — and your coaching — will be better for it.

Finally

If you like some help with quietening your own advice monster, you know where I am.

About Me

I'm a coach, supervisor, and courage cultivator, supporting coaches to lean into vulnerability, embrace their humanity, and show up with courage in their coaching practice and businesses.

Through my work—including The Courageous Coach Programme launching in November 2025—I help coaches move beyond collecting tools and techniques, and instead build the inner foundations needed for transformational coaching.

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